How’s it going wrestling fans? This week’s episode of Monday Night Raw was slightly disappointing in comparison to the previous three weeks, but that’s not to say it wasn’t a decent few hours of “Sports Entertainment.” This served as the “Go-Home Show” for this Sunday’s Elimination Chamber, exclusively available on the WWE Network. While there were a few high spots in terms of in-ring action, this was in many ways a “throw-back” to Attitude Era tropes, including but not limited to absurd costumery and inordinate vehicles. I can’t do the ridiculousness of Raw justice by summing it up in a mere paragraph, so let’s cut to the chase and get down to the Top Five Moments of Raw!
5. The 10-on-3 Handicap Match
I am a 28-year old bachelor that lives alone in Southern California, so I’m forced to cook for myself quite a bit. I find that when I stick to what works—the recipe, in most cases—the finished product is generally favorable. But when I start tossing in additional ingredients, like basil or cumin or red wine, there’s a level of uncertainty as to how things will turn out. The New Day and Kidd and Cesaro have proven to be a functioning combination that produces no fewer than three stars whenever they’re interchangeably involved with each other. Last week there were a few added elements, namely the Lucha Dragons, the Prime Time Players, Los Matadores, and the Ascension. While last week’s roll of the dice amounted to a winning hand, this week’s 10-on-3 tag match, involving the aforementioned combatants, came up drastically short. You see where my food metaphor comes in now? My biggest qualm with the concept was Kane making the match; why would a heel authority figure punish the cheating bad guys by forcing them to face five tag teams at once? The match itself was just as lazy and even less legible in terms of trying to read the wrestlers’ reactions. Although this was a comically tragic turn for teams such as the current and former tag team champions, it was a huge opportunity for less visible teams like the Ascension and the Lucha Dragons.
4. Rusev Attempts to Make-up with Lana
I’m not going to say the same thing everyone else has said since Payback last Sunday, but for the record, I’m not happy with the recent turn of events involving the Ravishing Russian, the Bulgarian Brute, and the former Spirit Squad member Dolph Ziggler. That being said, what’s done is done, and there’s no turning back—only moving forward. And who knows? I’m still of the opinion that this could be a massive swerve to guarantee Rusev the Intercontinental championship this Sunday at the Elimination Chamber. Rusev came down to the ring tonight with the Bulgarian flag, rather than the red, white, and blue—go figure—of the Russian banner. He asked Lana to come back to him, and the beautiful blonde Florida-native-turned-Iron Curtain citizen agreed to give him one last chance. That is until Rusev demanded she apologize and admit that she was wrong for “throwing in the towel” during his “I Quit” match with John Cena. Lana’s demeanor immediately changed. She informed the ‘Brute that she was no longer his, and that she is NO MAN’s property. With that, she stormed away from the ring, leaving Rusev to scream after her. She retreated to the loving arms of Dolph Ziggler, who claims to know she’s working him, but also says he doesn’t care. I don’t blame him. Getting down with Lana is well worth the inevitable ass-kicking he’s sure to receive.
3. Seth Rollins & Kane vs. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose
Monday Night Raw opened this week with Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and the Authority, at odds once more. Ambrose was informed that he will get his title match at the Elimination Chamber, but he needs to sign his contract before the end of the night. Stephanie said that she likes to see the “Shield Boys” reunite, and made the opening match a tag team contest between the frivolously friendly Lunatic Fringe and Super Samoan, and the Authority’s dream team comprised of the world champion and the “Big Red Machine.” I liked this match for what it was. Kane is best utilized in multiple-man matches where he can serve as “back-up” and play more of a background character to the principle components. Seth and Dean looked great as always, as neither man is ever off his game in front of a live audience. Roman Reigns has been making true progress in recent weeks; he proved his worth to the world when he challenged Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania, and has since turned a number of heads thanks to groundbreaking performances at subsequent live events.
2. Entourage Invades Monday Night Raw
I was a fan of “Entourage” on HBO. Truth be told, there aren’t a lot of programs on HBO that I’m not fond of. “The Wire,” “Six Feet Under,” “The Sopranos,” and “Game of Thrones” are among my favorite shows ever. And if you haven’t seen “Silicon Valley,” it’s a 30-minute comedy about the tech-boom in the Bay Area, and it’s hilarious. I’m never excited about Raw guest hosts or musical appearances, and I wasn’t really hyped for this either. But I liked the way that WWE Creative integrated the characters of Vincent Chase, E, Turtle and Johnny Drama into the storyline. Especially Johnny Drama. When John Cena issued his weekly “US Open Challenge,” the boys from the Hollywood Hills appeared to answer the call. Cena told them that the challenge is open to anyone, and wondered which of them was planning to “Come Get Some.” They laughed, and instead introduced a Long Island native—I guess I should mention that this was the final WWE show at the famed Nassau Coliseum—by the name of ZACK RYDER! Of course “Long Island Ice Z” would come up short, in a way that nobody has since before Sami Zayn one month ago, but the match was pretty damn good nonetheless. This was perhaps Zack’s best match on Raw in about—okay let’s not fool ourselves, this was Zack’s best match on Raw. Period. Things got interesting when Kevin Dillon AKA Johnny Drama entered the ring on behalf of his pal Zack Ryder, but was immediately run off by the United States Champion.
1. Dean Ambrose as WWE’s Finest
The finale for this week was utterly ridiculous. Absolutely ABSURD! But then again, so was “Stone Cold” driving a beer truck. Or filling a Corvette with cement. Or holding Vince McMahon hostage with a FUCKING GUN! Dean Ambrose was told that he must sign his WWE Championship contract before the end of Raw, or he would lose his title match at the Elimination Chamber. As an added precaution, the Authority set Dean Ambrose up for arrest after he was shoved by J&J Security into a cameraman. All hope appeared lost as the Authority made their way to ringside to revel in the recent moral victory over Dean Ambrose. Roman Reigns appeared, and was ultimately assaulted by the combined forces of the Authority. That’s when shit got CRAZY! Dean Ambrose was back in the building, wearing a Policeman’s jacket and hat, and driving a “Paddy Wagon.” Are they called “Paddy Wagons” because of all the Irish criminals that they’d carry around? Anyway—Ambrose arrived just in time to save his brother Roman Reigns from the attack, and even managed to sign his name on the dotted line. Dean Ambrose will be in Corpus Christi this Sunday, and he will battle Seth Rollins for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship!
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