As an eight year old fan growing up in the early nineties, I was drawn to professional wrestling because of the characters and storylines. Now that I’m an adult I’m far more interested with the in-ring product and psychology of the business. But I’ve also never truly outgrown my appreciation for the audacious spectacle of World Wrestling Entertainment. Throughout the years we’ve seen crazy characters with equally eccentric ring attire. Today we’re talking about some of the WORST wrestling gear in WWE history. Now, let me clarify—I’m not talking about entrance attire, nor am I referring to character-based costumes that work. We’re talking about weird, strange, off-putting, ugly outfits. We’re talking about the kind of wrestling gear that makes you question a performer’s sanity; the sort of stuff that looks uncomfortable to wear. Maybe seeing is believing? Let’s kick things off with number ten—this is Wacky Wardrobes: Wrestling Gear Gone Wrong!
10. Montel Vontavious Porter
Montel Vontavious Porter, commonly known as “MVP” has one of the silliest singlets under the sun. I’m not sure if the idea was to cover up his tattoos, or hide a physique that Vince McMahon deemed undesirable—but MVP’s Power Ranger with Shorts look is among the ugliest outfits of all time. Especially considering he’s the longest reigning United States Champion in WWE History. When MVP moved on from the WWE, he brought the superhero Under Armor with him, and still competes with it today.
9. I.R.S.
I mentioned in the introduction that some character costumes work. But then—some do not. Mike Rotunda was a celebrated collegiate athlete and world renowned professional wrestler. When he arrived in the WWE he was forced to perform wearing a dress shirt and plain black pants you might buy at Caldor or Bradleys (this was 1992). Worst of all he worked with an ill-fitting tie wrapped around his neck. This one goes into the uncomfortable category.
8. High Energy [Owen Hart & Koko B. Ware… AND Jim Neidhart?]
Soon after Owen Hart dropped the Blue Blazer gimmick, he was partnered with the “Birdman” Koko B Ware. Their team—“High Energy”—wore loose fitting neon Genie pants tucked into their boots. And on top? You guessed it! Suspenders! Bam! No terrible outfit is complete without suspenders. But High Energy took it a step further, with a style past its prime, and exceptionally hazardous parachute pants. When Jim Neidhart returned after a brief absence, he was partnered with his brother in-law Owen as the New Foundation. Sadly they wore the same old thing as High Energy.
7. Zack Ryder
There’s an old saying that relates to most things: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” I’m all for seeing Superstars try something new, but maybe their wardrobe isn’t the best place to begin? Zack Ryder has been a member of the WWE’s main roster since 2007, and has since gone through a litany of transformations. He’s been en “Edge Head,” a “Hype Bro,” he’s held the Tag Team Titles, and even the United States Championship. Somewhere along the way, Zack cut one of the legs off his pants, and it was absolutely appalling. Luckily for fans of the “Long Island Iced Z,” Zack Ryder has been wise enough to retire his split-legged spandex in favor of less ridiculous ring-wear.
6. Farooq Assad
There seems to be a pattern with a lot of these picks. I wonder—would I list half of these names if they weren’t so successful outside of the given parameters? Meaning, if Farooq Assad wasn’t the first ever African American World Heavyweight Champion, Ron Simmons—would we really care about his gladiator-inspired outfit? I’m not sure. Look at Farooq’s career outside of his inaugural introduction to the company, and there’s no mistaking Ron Simmons’ Hall of Fame credentials. But focus on his blue helmet and vest, made from cheap rubber, and it’s hard to see anything beyond Sunny’s Black Hercules.
5. The Headbangers/Flying Nuns
I could probably write an entire article about Charles “Chaz” Warrington, who not only appeared in the WWE as Headbanger Mosh and Mother Smucker, but also as the short-lived Beaver Cleavage character. Legend has it that the Headbanger gimmick was created by Raven, and given to the duo when they went to work for Jim Cornette’s Smoky Mountain Wrestling. I was ten years old when the Headbangers debuted on WWE TV in 1996, and I wasn’t sure why they were wearing skirts. As I got older and became more enamored with punk rock and the world of music—I’m still not sure why they were wearing skirts. In addition to looking stupid, the Headbangers are often considered the worst tandem to capture the tag team titles in company history. So—maybe the skirts are the least of their worries.
4. Flash Funk
With all of the ridiculously-dressed black guys passing through over the years, you’d think the WWE was owned and operated by a 70-year old xenophobe. When Flash Funk made his WWE debut, he was already a household name amongst seasoned wrestling fans. Well—Flash Funk wasn’t, but 2 Cold Scorpio was. A former WCW Superstar and ECW mainstay, Scorpio debuted the Flash Funk persona at the 1996 Survivor Series. Dressed like Joel Schumacher’s idea of a Pimp, Flash wore a wide brimmed hat, fur coat, and zoot suit, as he entered the arena alongside the “Funkettes.” Luckily for Flash, the gimmick didn’t take and within a matter of months, he was competing under the name Scorpio.
3. “Double J” Jeff Jarret
Jeff Jarrett is among the most celebrated performers of the modern era. Jeff is a former six-time NWA Champion, and the founder of both Global Force Wrestling and Total Nonstop Action. Jeff debuted for the WWE in 1993, after enjoying modest success as a babyface in his father’s territory. Rather than a standard singlet, or an ordinary pair of tights, “Double J” Jeff Jarrett wore a shirt comprised of 5-6 suspenders, connecting his pants to—his neck? Despite the unparalleled success of the “King of the Mountain,” his wrestling legacy will be forever marred by this inordinately abysmal attire.
2. Giant Gonzales
Jorge Gonzales wasn’t a wrestler when he came to America from Argentina in 1988, but a third round NBA draft pick by the Atlanta Hawks. The 7’7” athlete couldn’t meet the physical demands of the NBA, and soon appeared on WCW. After spending time in Atlanta as El Gigante, Gonzales moved over to the WWE where he was cast against the Undertaker. Gonzales was an imposing force, and the largest wrestler with whom the Dead Man ever contended. But there was still a problem. Instead of traditional trunks or spandex tights, Gonzales wore a flesh-colored body suit with patches of hair on his chest and nether regions. After his program with the ‘Taker ended, Gonzales turned babyface, but was soon gone from television.
1. Max Moon
Max Moon was the first—and I believe only—extraterrestrial Superstar billed from the Cosmos. His gear wasn’t just hideous, it was cumbersome. The Max Moon character was originally conceived by former CMLL World Champion Konnan, who decided upon the concept after seeing a robot character on Japanese television. Vince McMahon helped bring the vision to life, but unfortunately—or fortunately—Konnan never got to play the part. Instead the character was handed off to former professional soccer player, Paul Diamond. Max Moon didn’t click with audiences, and by the end of 1993, all aliens were eradicated from WWE television.
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