It feels as though I was just writing a predication piece for “Extreme Rules,” and yet here we are again for another WWE Network Special. And if that’s not crazy enough, take a look at this schedule: this weekend is PAYBACK, followed two weeks later by ELIMINATION CHAMBER, and MONEY IN THE BANK exactly two weeks after that! We’ve got THREE pay-per-views set within six weeks of one another, and unfortunately, Payback is the least intriguing of the lot. The ‘Chamber will feature the first-ever tag team elimination match inside the “Devil’s Playground,” while MITB will crown the next heir apparent to the WWE title. But Payback?
I like to write my predictions by mid-week and the WWE is still adding to the event as of this posting. Just now I got word that Bray Wyatt will be taking on Ryback, bringing the total number of matches on the card to SEVEN. There’s certainly the chance that we might see a Diva’s match of some kind, perhaps a tag team bout between the Bella’s and Naomi and Tamina. As for the matches that have officially been announced…
The Payback Kick-Off
Macho Mandow & Axelmania vs. The Ascension
The Kick-Off matches have been particularly exciting in recent months; the tag team title match and battle royal at Wrestlemania, King Barrett versus Neville at Extreme Rules—this tag team contest will open the show and will set the precedent for what’s to come. I don’t know what to make of the “Macho Mandow and Axelmania” shtick. I really enjoyed Curtis Axel’s delusional tirades about “never being eliminated from the Royal Rumble,” and I’ve at least chuckled at his subsequent attempts at making “Axelmania Run Wild.” I think Curtis Axel is doing a fine job, and I hope that when this program has run its course, he’s able to rebound to a more reasonable place on the roster. When Damian Sandow ceased to be the Miz’s stunt-double, I think we all hoped to see a more serious side of the former “Savior of the Masses.” But instead we’re getting the same masquerading hijinks that Sandow APOLOGIZED FOR just two weeks ago on Raw. So my initial qualm with Sandow is what an absolute joke he is becoming, and I can only hope that Curtis Axel isn’t affected in the long term. My second nagging gripe with this gimmick is the Macho Man impression in general. Look—Jay Lethal already did this shit. And he did it while the dude was still alive. And he did a far better job than Damian Sandow. Everyone can do a Macho Man impression, why not pick one of Hogan’s other partners? I would have much preferred to see Damian the Barber Beefcake. I pray to the wrestling gods—Vince McMahon Sr., Jim Barnett, Jim Crockett, etc—that this is a one-time deal, and that the “Minor Powers,” as David Otunga named them, never “explode.” I think the ship has absolutely set sail for Konnor and Viktor, and given my hopeless optimism for the future of the WWE, I’m inclined to give my prediction to Macho Mandow and Axelmania. I hope they beat the Ascension, they “Hulk Up” and pose down for a few minutes, and then go their separate ways forever. Is that what’s going to happen? Of course not. These guys will be together until Wrestlemania 35.
Educated Guess: Macho Mandow & Axel Mania
King Barrett vs. Adrian Neville
This Sunday we’ll be doing our monthly pay-per-view recap show at the “B+ Players Podcast.” Last month I gave Barrett and Neville’s Kick Off show performance a star rating of three and three quarters. Their match two nights later at the King of the Ring earned a solid four. These two Englishmen are in no way strangers to one another, after mixing it up for the better part of the last month. I’m interested to see what they can accomplish now that their feud has legs to stand on, and is being promoted to the main card of a pay-per-view. I’ve got to stop calling them that. It’s a “WWE Network Special,” and not only that—it’s FREE again this month! What the fuck man? I’ve been paying ten bucks a month for 15 months—that’s $150 invested in a product that you continue to give away to CASUAL FANS for free on a monthly mother fucking basis. Back to the match. Adrian Neville—because I refuse to call him “Neville”—has been gifted two nicknames since debuting with the WWE. Not only is he being billed as “The Man that Gravity Forgot,” but he’s also being called “The New Sensation.” I can’t remember this much hype going into an individual debut since we found out that his name is Finlay—“AND HE LOVES TO FIGHT!” Neville has had some awesome matches in recent weeks with former WWE world champions such as Sheamus and even John Cena. I don’t think there’s any ceiling set for how successful this guy could potentially be, but I think it’s safe to assume defeat is on the agenda for young Adrian Neville this Sunday. Wade Barrett has made the transition from “Bad News” to “King” almost seamlessly, and it’s hard to predict a loss for someone just over two weeks removed from winning the King of the Ring.
Educated Guess: King Barrett
Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus
It’s a pretty good sign that the show will be good when the match I’m least looking forward to is a one-on-one bout between Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus. I’ve really been loving the new “Celtic Warrior” dynamic since Sheamus returned to the WWE. He shocked the world when he manhandled Daniel Bryan just days after his intercontinental title win at Wrestlemania, and went on to make life for Dolph Ziggler a living nightmare. Last month was the infamous “Kiss Me Arse” match, where Sheamus refused to live up to his own stipulation, instead forcing Dolph to kiss HIS arse. Two nights later, live on the WWE Network, Dolph Ziggler delivered a receipt in the form of a punishing assault that left the 2-time WWE Champion spewing DNA from his forehead. Their feud hasn’t quieted down in any way, and has only served to elevate Dolph Ziggler and further intensify Sheamus. I’m quick to pick Sheamus as the victor in this unpredictable contest, but start to slow my roll after running down the rest of the card. This would appear to be a “Heel-Heavy” night, wherein most matches will end with “Bad Guys” reigning supreme. If there’s to be any babyface victory during the event, I would probably have to pick Dolph Ziggler. That being said, we DO have another “WWE Network Special” in two weeks—and another in one month. Maybe we WILL see a night where only evil can prevail?
Educated Guess: Sheamus
WWE Tag Team Championship – 2/3 Falls Match
Kidd & Cesaro vs. The New Day (c)
Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that this will be the match of the night? These teams have produced some of the absolute best matches the WWE has seen—IN YEARS! That’s not hyperbole, that’s reality. I have trouble investing myself in WWE Superstars because their in-ring ability is oftentimes inhibited by the parameters placed on them by producers. You might see a stellar performance on Raw, and then an embarrassing display on Smackdown, simply because individuals weren’t allotted the same time, or “freedom,” that they were on the previous show. My point is that these five men could be the exception to the rule, having faced each other in any number of combinations during an assortment of various matches. They appeared during the Kick Off for the Royal Rumble and blew the tag team title match later in the show out of the water; they opened Wrestlemania 31 during another Kick Off appearance as two-fourths of a multi-team championship match; and last month they stole the show in a bona fied 4-Star Match. They’ve been a consummate part of Raw and Smackdown, and continue to put on “Match of the Night” performances, despite however long or short the encounter might be. I’m completely confident that they’ll deliver, especially in this 2-out-of-3 falls match, and will be incredibly surprised if the action falls short. Tune in to our special Payback Reaction Show exclusively at Cheap-Heat where podcaster and sports analyst Dario Rivera has requested to review this particular match.
Educated Guess: The New Day
Ryback vs. Bray Wyatt
The most recent match added to the card is the bizarre brawl bound to take place when Bray Wyatt comes face-to-face with Ryback. Wyatt has been issuing an ominous challenge since losing to the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, but nobody seemed to know to whom he was speaking. I suggested that it could be Roman Reigns, given the clues in Bray’s weekly monologue, and was slightly disappointed to discover instead—that it was Ryback. Nothing against the talent and charisma of Ryan Reeves, I just don’t see him as a player on the same level as Bray Wyatt. Ryback challenged for the WWE title back when CM PUNK was the champion, and has since played more of an enforcer role in the upper-mid card. Bray Wyatt however, has squared off with both the Undertaker and John Cena at Wrestlemania, and appears to be a far more visible face across the entirety of WWE programming. I also think Bray Wyatt desperately needs a win, and I don’t believe it should be at the detriment of ANOTHER WWE Superstar, who ALSO can’t afford to keep losing. I think it’s a foregone conclusion that Bray Wyatt will walk out with his hand held high, and I’ll take it a step further: Rowan and Harper will appear to help the “Eater of Worlds” defeat the “Big Guy.” The Wyatt Family will return.
Educated Guess: Bray Wyatt
WWE United States Championship – “I Quit” Mach
John Cena (c) vs. Rusev
This will be the FOURTH TIME IN A ROW that John Cena has gone to war with Rusev, which could quite possibly be a record for WWE in terms of booking. John Cena is currently 2-1 over the “Bulgarian Brute” and “Pride of the Russian Federation.” The big story going into this match is Lana; “WHOSE SIDE IS (S)HE ON?!” Remember that? ANOTHER Bobby Heenan reference. Word going around the internet is that Lana will soon lose her Russian accent, and become the “Female Face” of the WWE. While that’s certainly possible, I don’t think it’s time—and I don’t think the WWE thinks it’s time either. My Educated Guess for this match is a bit more detailed, so please indulge me for a moment: Lana will slip with the American accent during the Kick Off, making us all wonder what’s going to happen. She’ll continue to smile John Cena’s way, and he’ll keep making comments to Rusev and the audience about how popular she is. This is all—wait for it—A SWERVE! John Cena won’t quit, not because he’s in pain and can’t continue! Rusev will be out of options, and will grab Lana as though she is his hostage. He’ll trap her in the Accolade, while Cena is—for some reason, handcuffs maybe—unable to stop him. Cena will have no choice but to say “I Quit” to save the woman he thinks is starting to see the light of day. Unfortunately, as Admiral Ackbar would say: “IT’S A TRAP!” Do you think Admiral Ackbar will be in Star Wars Episode 7? How long do Mon Calamari live? I think John Cena is dropping his United States strap to the former champion, and I think Lana will reveal herself to be a “Double Agent.” That will give her a reason to drop the Russian accent on Raw, while maintaining her evil character for the time being. In fact, it could generate even more heat; a blonde haired, blue eyed American supermodel siding with the SOVIET UNION? I know that’s not what they’re called anymore. It’s all about alliteration with me. That will also put their series at 2 wins a piece, creating all the more reason for a fifth and final battle at either Elimination Chamber or Money in the Bank.
Educated Guess: Rusev
WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Fatal Four-way
Dean Ambrose vs. Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins (c) vs. Roman Reigns
Who cares? With so much going on in the undercard, I couldn’t care less about how Seth Rollins retains his title. There’s no question as to who is walking away the winner, but how is it going to go down? Actually, that’s just as predictable. Let’s see what we’re working with here: Seth Rollins is definitely winning, right? Okay, that’s settled. And Dean Ambrose is only in this match to catch the pinfall, right? Nice, now we’re cooking with gas! So the question now pertains to how Randy Orton and Roman Reigns will make their presence felt. I GOT IT! Dean and Randy are wrestling in the ring while everyone else is off somewhere waiting for their cue. Roman appears and attempts to Spear Randy Orton, but hits his former Shield brother instead. After Roman pops up from the impact, he’s met with an RKO—OUT OF NOWHERE—from Randy Orton, who immediately goes for the pin, but is robbed by Seth Rollins, who only wins matches when he steals the victory. Which is totally okay with me, it’s just mildly predictable at this point. It wasn’t right to say who cares, because I do care about this match. But given the fact that Seth Rollins has been given the ball for the foreseeable future, and Dean Ambrose has never been in such a high profile position, it’s easy to narrow the field down to declare a winner. Seth Rollins is winning, which means Kane is FIRED!
Educated Guess: Seth Rollins
I said earlier that this show is the least intriguing event of the three we’ll be getting in the next six weeks. While that’s true, it certainly seems as though this card has what it takes to deliver. I still expect a Diva’s match of some kind to be announced, in which case I’ll edit this entry. Maybe. Probably not. Remember to check out the “B+ Players Podcast: Payback Reactions” featuring our musical guests Milan Martin and Dave Sloyan, as well as “The Wrestling Broad” Brianne Marie. We’re hitting the air immediately after the show ends, and will be featured exclusively at www.Cheap-Heat.com. Until next time my name is Mark Adam Haggerty, you can follow me in social media on Twitter @TapeTraderz and on Facebook at “The B+ Players.”
