The week is nearly through and for the first time in forever, we've got some room to breathe until the next WWE live event hits the Network. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty and this is your weekly breakdown of Thursday Night Smackdown. I'm here to make your job easier by telling you WHAT'S COOKIN and WHAT DOESN'T MATTER!
COOKIN is in BOLD!
DOESN'T MATTER is in ITALICS!
The show begins with the same Dusty Rhodes memoriam graphic that kicked off Raw, NXT, and Money in the Bank. We're spared the montage featuring the song "Raging Fire" by Phillip Phillips. It's not that I don't love the �Dream, and it's not that I don't adore that video and song—but I can't keep crying during wrestling. It's not a fun way to start things off. I was so excited to watch NXT last night and that video at the top of the show turned me into an emotional wreck for the fourth straight time. So in that regard, I'm happy we skipped it, but I'm sure we'll have a chance to see it before the night is through. The first face we see inside the arena is "Mr. Money in the Bank," the Celtic Warrior Sheamus! Sheamus calls the fans in attendance "narrow-minded people with pea-sized brains." He says that while the fans might have chanted "You Look Stupid," he doesn't
feel
stupid, now that he's in possession of the Money in the Bank briefcase. Sheamus rattles off a number of names that could pose a threat to his dominance in the WWE, including Seth Rollins, the Authority, and even the former World Champion Brock Lesnar. Sheamus assures the audience in attendance, and viewers around the world, that nothing is going to stand in his way: "You will be entertained." Once Sheamus is done speaking, Dean Ambrose's music hits and the Lunatic Fringe makes his way down the ramp. He says that he doesn't speak "Irish Gibberish," and just wants to clarify what Sheamus is saying. He tells the only Irish-born WWE champion that he already stood in his way, when he defeated him on Monday night. Apparently Dean doesn't understand that wins and losses don't matter in the WWE. Dean also says that if it wasn't for Bray Wyatt, Roman Reigns would be "Mr. Money in the Bank." Ambrose calls him a potato farmer. Like—if Sheamus was Asian, and Ambrose called him a "rice farmer," that would be offensive. But potato farmer? Apparently not. Ambrose challenges Sheamus to another match, a bout that the former champion is more than willing to accept. Before a brawl can breakout, the Director of Operations enters: "Nobody is stealing anything tonight," Kane began, ready to book tonight's opening contest. Tonight's Smackdown will begin with a handicap match between Dean Ambrose and the duo of Kane and Sheamus. The match is underway and Ambrose does a fine job of eluding his enemies for quite a while. He tosses both men out of the ring individually so that he might focus on one opponent at a time. Dean Ambrose hits the top rope, but Kane grabs his leg and Ambrose is crotched on the turnbuckle. Kane and Sheamus sought to put the boots to Ambrose in this legal two-on-one encounter. As they continued to gain the upper hand, Roman Reigns' music hit and the Samoan Superman appeared out of nowhere! He saved Ambrose, although causing the disqualification for his friend in the process.
We come back from commercial break and get ready for Diva's action between the former NXT and Diva's Champion Paige and Brie Bella. I think it's insane that Brie and Nikki have legit, non-ironic fans. I like the Bellas quite a bit, but as far as their character, they're most certainly heels! They cheat to win, they're bullies, they're fucking
MEAN GIRLS
! And there are still hundreds, if not THOUSANDS, of men and women who idolize the Bellas. Nikki doesn't escort her sister to ringside so as to prove the Bellas can win without "Twin Magic." Paige isn't beat for Brie's bullshit and hammers away at the 0-time Diva's champion and wife to Daniel Bryan. I personally think Brie is the most attractive Diva on the roster, but looks don't win matches—TOP ROPE POWER BOMBS DO! Brie hit a power bomb on Paige and we head into another break. We return and Brie is in complete control. I think the reason we've seen so many Bella/Paige matches as of recent is because they're unquestionably the best athletes on the main roster. As far as women, I mean. Putting Summer Rae on television would be the farther thing from what fans are seeing in NXT, and in essence, an invitation for main roster ridicule. But when could we see the likes of Sasha Banks, Charlotte, or Becky Lynch on the main roster? Hopefully sooner rather than later. This match keeps going and the women fall from the ring and to the outside; Paige hits the top rope, but loses her balance thanks to an interruption by Alicia Fox. Brie walked away with Alicia by her side; the two were joined by Nikki Bella on the stage, who presented Alicia with a set of red and black t-shirts. It would seem as though the Bella's are forming an army. Could that be the answer to my earlier question? Might Paige rally an army from NXT? Pretty decent match, and a fantastic story being told, considering the shallow nature of the Diva's Division.
Kevin Owens is backstage with Renee Young: "Say I beat him, use the microphone." Kevin Owens has a phenomenal way of communicating that's akin to Steve Austin in that I believe KEVIN OWENS is speaking, and not some WWE character. It's similar to how CM Punk was booked, but not nearly as over the top. Owens is speaking about his open challenge to the main roster, but clearly stating his NXT title will not be on the line. "Call me crazy Renee, I just kind of like it when guys—uh, you know— EARN their title shot?" That's when someone a few inches taller than Owens appeared off camera. How do we know this? Because Kevin looked up slightly and asked, "Can I help you?" It was Cesaro! The Swiss Superman says that he's been hearing a lot about "Fight Owens Fight," and wants to see what it's all about. Or something like that. The dialogue became a little incoherent, but the point was clear: Kevin Owens vs. Antonio Cesaro TONIGHT on Smackdown!
Dolph Ziggler appears in the arena wearing his now-signature denim vest, alongside his latest Squeeze Lana. Regardless of how I might feel about Ziggler, the dude scores some of the most CHOICE tail in the WWE. Why do I call �em tail? You're lucky I'm not calling them broads, okay? Ziggler reminds me of Bobby Budnick—you know? The red-haired trouble maker from Nickelodeon's "Salute Your Shorts?" He was also John Connor's friend in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. The point is he looks like a conglomerated caricature of the 1980s and 90s. Teen Wolf's opposition this evening is none other than the "Inspirational" Bo Dallas, who doesn't wait but a few steps before addressing his opponent as well as Lana on the mic: "You left Rusev with a broken heart, a broken body, and a broken soul! Despicable! Then you move on to Dolph Ziggler—LITERALLY the worst rebound ever! If Dolph Ziggler's profile popped up, I'd swipe left, and keep looking for a real man! He's out there somewhere Lana, all you have to do—is BO-LIEVE! This match is off to a good start with a drop kick from the Show Off, but Bo is quick to return the offense and raise the intensity from a steady seven to tumultuous ten. Bo is highly impressive in the way he dispatches with a former world champion; he locks his opponent in a front face lock and proceeds to fire away with a fury of knees. But that's not enough to defeat Dolph Ziggler of course. He come almost instantly and hits Dallas with a "Zig Zag" for a quick victory. Rusev could be seen backstage swearing, but Lana remained inside the arena—kissing the victorious Show Off.
I think it's really weird that the WWE is sponsored by Carl's Jr. and Hardees. Those are two fast food chains not available in all markets. We have Carl's Jr. here in SoCal but no Hardees. They have Hardees down along the "Bible Belt" but no Carl's Jr. My friends back in New Jersey? They have neither! Just Stewart's Root Beer and Sonic. Just a strange sponsor and an even stranger side note. Back to the action.
The New Day is in the ring as Xavier Woods prepares for battle against Adrian Neville. Neville was part of the threesome that defeated the New Day this past Monday, and Xavier wastes no time in putting the boots to Neville. Literally, puts the boots to him in a major way; Xavier kicks Neville in the back a dozen times before backing off and mounting a more scientific offensive. The action spills to the outside and Neville flies over the top rope, only to find himself cornered by the New Day. The odds aren't in Neville's favor, but the new tag team champions arrive to at least even the playing field. Neville goes for a Red Arrow but loses his balance and continues to mix it up with Xavier as the Prime Time Players deal with Big E and Kofi Kingston on the outside. Adrian goes for a second—this time SUCCESSFUL—Red Arrow, and earns the victory over Xavier Woods.
Seth Rollins heads down to ringside to address his upcoming title defense against Brock Lesnar at Battleground. Hey here's a question—why wasn't Michael Cole pissed about Lesnar's return? Aren't we to believe that Cole
sued
Lesnar over the F5 he suffered the night after Wrestlemania? He was all: "Oh my! Brock Lesnar! Vintage Monday Night Raw Network App Mountain Dew!!" Seth is standing in the ring by himself: "I am the biggest star in WWE; I am the WWE world heavyweight champion; and I am the undisputed future of this industry!" Seth goes on to describe the role of a WWE champion, mentioning the unprecedented scrutiny and the lack of respect he receives on a daily basis. "When I heard Brock's music on Monday the first reaction I had was SHOCKED. I mean, Brock Lesnar was maybe the absolute last person I expected Triple H and Stephanie to present as my challenger. I mean the last time I saw Brock, he was brutalizing WWE employees—a camera man, Michael Cole! (SEE?!) "But as he walked down that ramp and circled this ring, the shock turned to understanding. There's no other way. This is how it has to be. I've beaten everybody else! Orton, Reigns, Ambrose—
EVERYBODY
! For me to cement my legacy, I have to defeat Brock Lesnar at Battleground. The same Brock Lesnar who conquered the Undertaker's streak at Wrestlemania. The same guy who took Roman Reigns and John Cena to Suplex City. That guy walked into the ring on Monday; he stood toe-to-toe with me, and he did
NOTHING
. And do you know why he did nothing? Because Brock Lesnar remembers Wrestlemania. Brock Lesnar knows better than anybody how
DANGEROUS
I can be! If he had taken one swing at me, I would've knocked his teeth down his throat and that mystique he walks around with will be gone forever!" Seth finished by saying he "can't wait" to wrestle Brock Lesnar at Battleground.
We get a quick reminder of the mind games being played by Bray Wyatt. This past Monday, Bray held up a photo of Roman Reigns' daughter, all while singing: "I'm a little teapot, short and stout…" Dean Ambrose and Roman are backstage, getting set for their tag team main event match. You'd think they'd be ready after two years of main eventing Smackdown in tag team matches, but no. Dean is making fun of Sheamus's hair, and Roman is staring into space, troubled by his current problems involving Bray Wyatt. He tells Dean that they need to get business done so that he can go home.
The next match is the "Kevin Owens Open Challenge," featuring the "King of Swing" Cesaro challenging the NXT champion in a non-title contest. Cesaro has a very cool look, and continues to sport his Kidd and Cesaro shirt in support of Tyson's quick recovery. This match is off and running and under the watchful eye of Charles "Lil' Naith" Robinson. They each hit the ground running and Owens even attempts multiple pins prior to the one-minute mark of the match. Things spill outside early, and Cesaro hits Kevin Owens with a somersault dive through the ropes. The action didn't stop there; Cesaro followed up with a running European Uppercut to Owens against the barricade. Owens enters the ring, but Cesaro remains on the offensive with a running clothesline. Owens tosses Cesaro's skull into the steel post and drags his opponent back into the squared circle. We head into a commercial, and by the time we return, Cesaro is back on his feet and going at the NXT champion with everything he has. Owens surprises the former tag team champion with a tornado DDT from the middle rope, and attempts to put the Swiss Superman away with his version of the "Neutralizer." Cesaro countered and tried for the big swing but to no avail, however he
did
hit a massive torture rack slam. Back and forth this match went across multiple commercial breaks. The WWE really seems to be high on this Kevin Owens guy, and with good reason. Nobody has had the caliber of contests that Kevin has in recent weeks, especially when you account for the stars he's mixing it up with. He's defeated Sami Zayn, Adrian Neville, Dolph Ziggler, John Cena—and Antonio Cesaro. Cesaro was crotched on the top turnbuckle and that was the straw that broke the Camel's back. Owens responded with an Irish whip, followed by the Pop Up Powerbomb. Kevin Owens is your winner and this was absolutely, positively—the match of the night.
There's a backstage segment where the Miz buries the Big Show as an actor while trying not to talk shit about his upcoming movie with Dean Cain, "Vendetta."
We head into commercial and when we return, we see the Dusty Rhodes video again. Though I skipped through most of it, fearful that I might breakdown like Renee Young again, I still managed to see the tail end. Dusty is standing alone in the NXT ring with no audience, his hat in his hand, and a solemn message. For who exactly? I mentioned on this week's episode of "The Last Cast with Mark and Gary" that I think he might have prepared that final bit of footage with his own mortality in sight. I'm not saying he knew he was going to die, but people get older, and some people prepare video wills and final testaments . What do you think? Was it just some random footage, or did the �Dream record his final words in advance?
It's the main event—a tag team match playa! Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are so close that it's almost obvious they're going to have issues down the line. It's like one of those couples who spend 7-days-a-week together for the first six weeks of their relationship. They're gonna burn out and that shit isn't going to last, but do you tell them? No. You just watch, and that's what we're doing with Dean and his boyfriend Roman. Kane and Sheamus are the former Shield brother's opponents tonight. I'll be honest with you guys—I'm an avid and outspoken proponent of medical cannabis. I took a few big hits at the beginning of this match because I just don't care. So I'm not 100% on the move-by-move analysis. But it can't just be me, can it? Sheamus and Kane? Is that doing it for you? Versus Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose—two guys that are duller than dirt when they aren't working opposite Seth Rollins. I just didn't care and once I finally got back into the nuts and bolts of this match—when the initial buzz subsided—I was right to be wary. This match laborious and predictable and came at the end of a very strong two hours of WWE programming. Look through the column—there's not many italicized portions this week, at least in contrast to the bold, right? That means this was a pretty good week! Owens vs. Cesaro, Xavier vs. Neville, the mischievous Diva's, and a few pretty solid promos. And then this. I'm sorry if I'm being a downer, but I'm generally pretty optimistic about the WWE. This was just miserable. The match ended when Roman went for the Superman Punch, only to be distracted once more by Bray Wyatt—this time on the TitanTron. Sheamus took advantage and blindsided Roman with a Brogue Kick to earn the 1-2-3 on the 2015 Royal Rumble Winner.
Following the main event, Roman sat in the squared circle, staring off into the distance while Bray remained on the screen: "Happy Father's Day Roman—RUN!" The lights went out and when they came back on, Roman was in the ring with a photo of his daughter.
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