Total Nonstop Analysis
TNA Lockdown 2/27/15
Written by Mark Adam Haggerty
If it seems like I’ve been gone longer than a week, don’t adjust your medication, because you’re 100% right. I had to take a few days off from my regular reviews to readjust my writing schedule so that I may present you with quality articles in a timely fashion. Rather than covering the same promotions I usually do, I spent the last week developing original concepts and introduced a weekly series leading into Wrestlemania titled “Hall of Fame Hopefuls.” I’m confident that you’ll see the difference in my work, and I’m pleased to report I’m BACK and ready to cover all things wrestling-related. Last week’s episode of TNA Impact featured a highly entertaining 20-man gauntlet not-unlike the WWE’s Royal Rumble. MVP defeated 19 other wrestlers including Austin Aries and Kurt Angle, and is now first in line for Bobby Lashley’s world heavyweight championship. My name is Mark Adam Haggerty, and welcome back to another in depth installment of “Total Nonstop Analysis.”
TNA Impact is still overseas, continuing its tour of the United Kingdom. Tonight’s show takes place is Manchester, England and begins with Kurt Angle as he makes his way to the ring. He says he isn’t going to waste anyone’s time and demands Bobby Lashley get out there to speak with him. The world champion struts toward the Olympic gold medalist, all while smiling and slapping hands with fans along the barricade. “Listen I’m not asking you to like me,” Kurt started shooting with Lashley. “I’m not asking you to respect me, but you sure as hell better be respecting what you’re holding.” Of course he was referring to the heavyweight title draped across the “Destroyers” shoulder. “I came back from an ACL injury and I worked my ass off for a year for one last shot. And last week I get screwed by the BDC.” Kurt blames Bobby for not stepping in but Bobby insists that he isn’t responsible for Kurt losing his own fight. Kurt says he hopes to God that Bobby wins his championship match against MVP, as he’s going to do exactly what Lashley did last week: absolutely nothing.
Kurt vacates the ring and exits the arena, and the BDC appears, led by Samoa Joe: “Tonight the MVP of the Beat Down Clan will walk that aisle, he will get in that ring, and by any means available, he will beat you down until he is champion of the world.” Once Joe was finished, MVP got on the mic and ran down the Manchester crowd, displaying nothing but pure confidence going into tonight’s big main event.
Ethan Carter III and Tyrus are both set to compete, as Carter is once again in possession of the wireless clippers. Last week Tyrus had his Mohawk shaved by Ken Anderson, who is teaming with Rockstar Spud tonight in tag team action. Anderson introduces himself per usual, and is joined on the mic by Spud who interjects with, “And Rockstar Spud.” Spud is carrying the X-Division briefcase that he won last month in the same Feast or Fired competition that ended with the termination of Velvet Sky. Tyrus refuses to remove his hat, which doesn’t seem like the sort of thing a referee should care about, with quite a few wrestlers wearing hats and masks as part of their regular wardrobe. Super Calo, anyone? He finally relinquishes the cap, and the audience doesn’t react whatsoever. Why should they? This audience has no idea what happened last week at the Hydro Arena in Scotland, and truth be told, Tyrus didn’t have much hair to begin with. In any case the match starts with Anderson and Tyrus; Anderson quickly gains the upper hand and the support from the crowd while Carter becomes infuriated, standing on the apron. Anderson works Tyrus into his team’s corner and assaults him with a barrage of right hands until finally tagging in Spud who continues the abuse. Tyrus easily overcomes Spud, and tags EC3 who immediately sets to shaving Spud’s head. Earl Hebner grabs the clippers and Taz says, “We all know Earl is a kleptomaniac.” Spud kicks EC3 in the head, and both men tag out to Anderson and Tryus. Anderson once again takes Tryus off his feet, but is eventually overcome by the underhanded tactics of Carter and Tyrus. They use Rockstar Spud’s passion against him, prompting him to enter the match before being tagged, thus creating a referee distraction for numerous double team maneuvers. Anderson is being decimated by Tyrus who hits him with the Asiatic Spike and attempts a big splash but to no avail. Ken gets the hot tag to Spud who runs wild on both of his opponents. Now EC3 is the one providing a referee distraction, as Earl Hebner is blind to the low blow administered by Ken Anderson to Tyrus. Anderson follows through with the “Mic Check” and Rockstar Spud gets the victory. Following the match, Carter is momentarily stranded in the ring between Anderson and Spud, but manages to slink away with the help of Tyrus.
Back from the commercial and Ethan Carter is backstage having a meltdown, screaming that Anderson and Spud want to take his hair. He says that it isn’t going to happen and proclaims that he is going to shave Rockstar Spud’s hair tonight–“that little bastard!”
Taryn Terrel makes her way to the ring to address the Manchester crowd. She says that becoming Knockout champion was a dream come true because she is now in a locker room full of women that she respects. However she knows they want the title she wears over her shoulder, and invites Awesome Kong to “try and get it right now.” But instead of the barbaric Kia Stevens, Taryn comes face-to-face with another former Knockout champion, Gail Kim. Gail doesn’t think Taryn knows what she’s getting herself into, and calls Kong the toughest women in all of professional wrestling. Taryn says that she is a champion and as much as she respects Gail’s opinion, she needs to fight Kong. Taryn’s music begins the play, but soon the lights go down and Kong appears in the ring. Taryn tries to take her off her feet with a clothesline and a drop kick from the middle rope. She runs into her at full speed but falls victim to a horrific implant driver. With no referee in sight, this bout is far from official, but that doesn’t stop Awesome Kong from holding the Knockout strap high above her head in victory, while simultaneously emitting a villainous cackle.
I really like TNA’s backstage segments because they’re shot in a voyeuristic fashion that doesn’t seem nearly as scripted as what you might see on WWE programming. Backstage we are privy to a secret meeting between the BDC as they prepare for MVP’s world title match against Lashley. MVP says that they are going to do whatever it takes, but before he can go into further detail, he notices the cameraman in the doorway and orders him to leave. Another camera man catches up with Austin Aries and asks him what he thinks about tonight’s main event. Austin teases that he has something in store by holding up his world championship Feast or Fired briefcase.
Back in the arena, the ring announcer introduces DJ Zema Ion, who is wearing some sort of black and silver face mask that reminds Taz of a Power Ranger. He introduces the Bro Mans and Angelina Love, all three of whom come to the ring with their cell phones attached to selfie sticks. Jesse Goddard takes a step to the outside as Robbie E and Angelina Love prepare to go two-on-two with Brooke and Chris Melendez. I can’t stand Chris Melendez—he’s a shitty wrestler, and for those of you who follow my work, you know I don’t bust out the profanity except on rare occasions. But Chris Melendez is an awful, terrible, shitty pro wrestler who wouldn’t be on television if TNA wasn’t self-conscious about their lack of military outreach in contrast to WWE’s Tribute to the Troops. Notice I didn’t say that the man has one leg—but he also has one leg. The one legged wrestler shtick has been done before, so unless you have a handicapped individual capable of working well with bipedal performers, I don’t want to see any more of these sympathy spot fests. That’s all any of his matches are: “Look at how the completely capable Bro Mans can’t compete with a one-legged man.” I understand the need to suspend disbelief to preserve Kayfabe, but at what point does the unlikely border on the absurd? The most exciting thing about this was Taz explaining to Josh Matthews the difference between an inter-gender tag team match and a mixed tag team match. Once the men were out, Angelina Love was able to capitalize for her team against Brooke, who is far less polished between the ropes than the five-time knockout champion, Angelina. Much to my surprise, the heels were able to pick up the win, albeit via precarious circumstances. As Brooke climbed the ropes to attack Angelina, her ex-boyfriend Robbie E pushed her from the top rope and pinned her for the 1-2-3. After the bell sounded, the bad guys fell to the mat and took a horizontal group-selfie, or an “usie,” alongside the fallen body of Brooke.
Back in Rockstar Spud’s dressing room, the number one contender to the X Division title prepares to call it a night when Ethan Carter III makes a bold entrance. He stood in the doorway with clippers-in-hand; as he flicked the switch to power the blade, he spoke softly: “Hello Spud.” Away to commercial and back again, Mr. Anderson is sprinting down the hallway to where he can hear Spud and Carter. Once again, Anderson appears just in the nick of time and saves Spud from the clippers. Gunner and Kurt Angle are sitting down for a chat, where Gunner isn’t afraid to voice his concern regarding Angle’s approach to the main event. Gunner is afraid if Lashley is outnumbered by the BDC, then MVP will most certainly walk away with the championship and “all hell will break loose.” Gunner tells Kurt that he wants him to be the Kurt Angle that he grew up watching and asks if he needs to be motivated the same way he motivated him last month at Lockdown. Gunner pushed Angle, as if trying to rattle him, the same way Kurt got Gunner focused for Lethal Lockdown against the BDC.
“A-Double” Austin Aries likes to consider himself a man with all the options, and tonight is in Manchester to address a rowdy bunch of British fans. “We got a big, big night here at Impact Wrestling,” he began, “Because anytime the world title is defended, it’s a big deal. Austin starts speaking about his Feast or Fired opportunity at the world heavyweight championship and further teases cashing in tonight. Samoa Joe is first to respond, entering the arena with his head deep in his hands, laughing at the idea of Austin Aries walking out of Manchester with the title. It’s curious how prominently Joe is featured in several of these recent episodes, considering his current role as a free-agent. I wonder, had Joe been involved in a throwaway non-main event storyline, would TNA have edited him off television? It would certainly be in their best interest, but it’s nearly impossible when he’s featured as one of the key heels in the company. Samoa Joe says that with a snap of his fingers, he can have “trained assassins” in the ring to make sure Austin Aries can’t cash in. Austin asks Joe what happened to the former world champion who used to go one-on-one with him for thirty minutes every night; he calls him MVP’s lap dog and even questions whether rubbing MVP’s feet is part of his job description. Joe is enraged and asks, “Okay how about instead of snapping my fingers, I come down to that ring and I snap your neck?” Aries says that instead of letting Joe meet him in the ring, he’d rather take the fight to him: “A-Double” launched himself through the ropes and onto the outside where Samoa Joe was standing.
A quick commercial break later and this match is officially underway. Austin Aries maintains his dynamic lead over the now-former TNA performer Samoa Joe, prompting the crowd to chant against the traditional Joe anthem: “Austin’s gonna kill you.” This obviously got a rise out of both men who came together for a lockup and could clearly be seen smiling. Aries is the aggressor for the better part of the match with Joe achieving very little offense of his own until Aries miscalculated a signature spot. When Austin is unable to lift his opponent for a Brainbuster, Samoa Joe drops Aries onto the outside where he continues to play to the hatred of the crowd. Joe kicks at Aries and paces around, stalking the best possible angle through which to inflict damage on the much smaller triple-crown champion. The crowd is relentless with the “You Sold Out” chants, and get the better of Joe on a number of occasions. Aries powers out of the intensity for a moment, but soon finds himself on the business end of a Samoan-sized bearhug. Aries was desperate for Joe to release the hold and fought back by boxing Samoa Joe’s ears a half-dozen times until sending the super heavyweight to the outside of the ring. Now in control once again, the dare devil Austin Aries ascended the ropes and landed a textbook double ax handle on Joe. Back in the ring Aries is operating at full speed and uses his momentum to secure “Last Chancery” on the Samoan Submission specialist. Before Joe can tap however, fellow BDC member Kenny King arrives with Aries’ briefcase in hand. Aries releases the hold, and is blindsided by Joe who attacks with a sleeper hold. Kenny taunts Aries with the briefcase as he begins to fade, but Austin still has the wherewithal to lean forward and send Joe spiraling head-first into the metal case. Now that the powerhouse was staggering on spaghetti-legs, Aries had no trouble in hitting Joe with his patented Crucifix Bomb. He once again climbed to the top rope where he successfully hit Joe with a 450-splash. Austin Aries pinned Samoa Joe in what I consider the Match of the Night. Kenny King and Low Ki hit the ring immediately after the bell and proceed to plant Austin Aries through a table, first with a Warriors Way by Low Ki and then a running Senton by Joe. I imagine the Warrior’s Way was supposed to break the table.
Bobby Lashley is sitting alone in his dressing room, when a producer comes in and asks what he thinks his chances are for the upcoming match against MVP. Lashley looks up and says he doesn’t know what MVP has up his sleeve and he doesn’t care. When asked about Kurt Angle, Lashley appeared astonished and said, “I didn’t ask for his help–and I don’t need his help.” MVP is alone in a darkened hallway where he meets up with Eric Young to discuss how it felt to finally take out Bobby Roode. EY says he’s never felt this good in his entire life, and is ready to be in MVP’s corner for the no disqualification title match against Lashley. Eric says he has a hole in his stomach that he needs to fill with revenge, and tonight he’s set to take out the man who put him in the hospital last year–Lashley.
Back in the ring and we get two British Boot Camp participants–Noam Dar and Rampage Brown. Dar is much quicker and makes use of quirky distractions to get the brutal Brown off his base. As the match starts to get further underway, the music sounds and suddenly Bram makes his entrance. He jumps into the ring to cause an immediate disqualification and sets to stomp out both of his fellow countrymen with his modified implant DDT. “Hey Magnus–Magnus! Doesn’t this look familiar,” asked Bram? “You face down because you’ve been knocked out. I want you to get your ass out here now!” Instead of Magnus, another popular UK talent appeared on the scene, the flamboyant and extraordinarily talented Grado. Grado began on the offense, but quickly fell to another DDT. Bram didn’t miss a beat, he picked up the microphone and without so much as a deep breath said, “I’m waiting for you Magnus!” The announcers remind those of us at home that Magnus is not in the arena, and stress that Bram surely knows that as well.
The main event is upon us between the TNA world heavyweight champion Bobby Lashley and the leader of the Beat Down Clan, MVP. The challenger is escorted to the ring by the entire Beat Down Clan, in the hopes of outnumbering Bobby Lashley and securing the heavyweight title. The Destroyer is introduced to an enormous ovation, wearing white and interacting with the fans on the way to the ring. The match begins quite evenly as any main event title match might, where Bobby Lashley takes MVP off his feet with a big clothesline. However MVP comes back with a series of hard hitting maneuvers all his own and the match continues to seesaw from side to side with the Beat Down Clan surrounding the six-sided ring. Lashley holds MVP high in the air for a vertical suplex and plants him square in the center of the ring, prompting the challenger to escape to the outside. MVP starts pacing about the ringside area, hoping to regroup, when Bobby Lashley brought the flight back to the challenger. MVP gained the upper hand with the help of his cronies, and soon sought to capitalize inside the ring. The match was highly entertaining with a much faster pace than anyone might expect from either performer. However the in-ring action was soon muddied by the usual flagrant false finishes and inexplicable run-ins. Eric Young hoped to cost another world champion his title, but former TNA champion Bobby Roode made the surprise appearance to stop his nemesis in his tracks. The entire BDC became involved, as did both Gunner and Drew Galloway. MVP attempted to steal the belt with a steel chair shot on Lashley, but Galloway was quick to stop him before he could follow through. MVP was caught off guard, giving Bobby Lashley the opening for a final Spear. Your winner, and still the TNA world heavyweight champion–Bobby Lashley!
I suspect there will always be a number of TNA detractors, dead-set against proclaiming the progress of Dixie Carter and her incredibly talented team of writers and producers. Is the show perfect? Of course not—but compare the current product to what was being presented just one year ago and the differences are mind-boggling. The biggest obstacle in the way of creative success is TNA’s current taping schedule which is anywhere from 3-6 weeks removed from airdate. This does more than ruin the spontaneity aspect of the product, it devalues the championship title belts and in the case of Samoa Joe, highlights a former talent no longer under contract. However every week since the reboot has been a step in the right direction, with very little backtracking. If they can remain on this steady course into the foreseeable future, I am confident that TNA will arrive in a comfortable place come the end of this year. Until next week, this has been Mark Adam Haggerty, reminding you to “Like” me on Facebook by searching “Mark Haggerty’s Pro Wrestling.”
